We Are From 

 Brooke Orrell Sievers

We are from the city girl and the country boy – who decided to make their life on the farm. We are from all the memories made of a young couple trying to find their way – over-bundling their new baby, bringing a new pony in the dining room on Christmas Morning, trading cars, brothers and sisters in law, playing cards, dancing on Friday nights, gathering eggs, walking beans, picking sweet corn, loving, learning from Grandma Maude, Charlie and Marie.

We are from Iowa country roads where neighbors all pitch in when tragedy strikes –and stop by for a cup of coffee and a visit sometime in the afternoon. We are from a community that celebrates weddings, new babies and 4^th of July picnics at Ledges State Park with Fried Chicken. We are from Elvis Presley, gospel music, Sunday morning hymns and Every Time I Go To Town – the Boys Keep Kicking My Dog Around.

We are from dinners around the table with bread and butter for Grandpa, from a refrigerator that always smelled of onion, from ghoulish to chocolate brownies, zucchini bread to deviled eggs – and strawberry jam. We are from a kitchen decorated in geese, and love notes from grandchildren posted on the fridge with one of many magnets. From late nights sharing a Pepsi with Grandpa at the kitchen table, or popping popcorn to watch Wheel of Fortune. We are from a wall full of trivets and help with the dishes,  wooden calendar pieces, and holding hands to say grace before our meal.

We are from snowmobiling through deep Iowa drifts, moped rides through the fields, riding a bike, driving a tractor. We are from Highway 17, a little white church, Sunday drives on back country roads, and the Luther Station. Mowing the park, picking tomatoes, cleaning green beans and dressing a chicken. We are from a grey three-piece suit, a blue beaded dress, hair done just so, and freshly applied lipstick. We are from the couple who was always together, a love pat,  a tease and a kiss goodnight.

We are from a couple with strong opinions and stories to share. We are from a woman with a SHARP tongue if you ever crossed her family – with her head held high, eyebrow raised and size 7 shoes.  We are from a “Hm, I didn’t know that” – and lots of teasing with a light heart.  We are from the man who could cut a deal like no other  - who would check your tires and ask about gas mileage - and from the couple who had the brightest smile and best hugs when our dreams came true.

We are from 515-795-3105, and the voice on the other end -   always happy to hear from us. We are from Casey's Pizza, bananas, coffee and early morning Tradeo on WHO. We are from the wooden swing that read Bonnie and Spike, three yard deer, Grandkids spoiled while you wait, click the remote, cuckoo clock, naps in the afternoon, Christmas Eve memories, Easter Egg hunts in the rain, driving to Liberty, “Boone, Ames, Madrid.” We are from Little Red Riding Hood, Peachy, Vicks Vapo Rub, The Flying Red Horse, and the Owl Statue in the corner. We are from GG Bonnie, “Junior Scratch My Back” – nightgowns and early bedtimes, Sweet Jesus and “Cheer Up – Maybe it ain’t so.” 

We are their 2 daughters, 9 grandchildren and 21 great-grandchildren. We are loved, we are family, we are thankful -  Grandma and Grandpa – are our roots.

A First Time French Dip and A Trip to Mexico - February 2015

Written on February 25, 2015

It's getting ready to snow outside. Well…it has been snowing. I should say we are getting ready to be snowed in. Meanwhile, my sister is heading to Mexico. Yes, Mexico. There she will bask in the warm sunshine and spend time with her daughter as they plan Alex's wedding, and explore the city. So as she is on her way out of town she asks what I am doing - I am quickly putting a rump roast in the crock pot - the only thing I know how to use well in the kitchen aside from my bunt pan - before Baby H wakes up to eat. French Dip. It is my first attempt at making French Dip in the Crock Pot. Over the phone we discuss many things: our husbands, her plan for the trip, the baby's sleep patterns, and the continuing issues that only she seems to have with her phone. Threaded through this conversation she throws in her expertise - soy sauce for flavor, better butter the meat. Cook on high. But the recipe says low - I say.  Okay, so cook on low and then the last hour - cook on high. Do you have cheese? Get some cheese.  You see - my sister is the expert cook. She can whip it all up - pot roast, salad, dip, mashed potatoes, and the only thing that got me through pregnancy - egg salad.  You name it - her cupboards are stocked full of the ingredients, and there is always something simmering in her Le Cruset on the stove. Her house smells delicious. She smells delicious. Anyone who has had Jodie's cooking always wonders when she is hosting the next event - from a big Thanksgiving to a Tuesday night meal after work for family. So I listen to her orders very carefully - because she knows best - and I have had her French Dips. They are amazing.

We wanted to start this blog over a year ago. And we did. But then life happened: Samantha graduated, Race moved to Texas, I got married - at her house - which may or may not have taken years off of her life, and then - I had a baby (and subsequently enlisted my sister as the go to expert on all things strollers, baby showers and nursery bedding). At the end of December we welcomed Baby H. In true fashion of those that love food - Jodie made meatballs the night I went into labor. When I cried over having to stay in the NICU for a week - she made steak and brought it to the hospital. When we finally came home in the middle of a snowstorm - she stocked our fridge with chicken, soup, and casseroles. We THOUGHT that 2015 would be much more calm - time to eat at our favorite spots in Des Moines. Time to walk the baby, get our hair done, and visit. Per usual - we were wrong. 2015 is already busier than any other we have had so far - lots of weddings, lots of travel, and lots of time with family. So why no document our journey starting… now.

Today the journey begins with A First Time French Dip, an Iowa Snow Storm, and a Trip to Mexico. Here. We. Go.

Harlan's Palm Springs Adventure

Harlan's Palm Springs Adventure - Autumn 2015

Palm Springs in the Evening

 This has been a week of many firsts for you Mr. H. It was your first trip to California, your first trip to a
desert, your first trip to a State Park. Consequently, the night before we left for California you were diagnosed with your first ear infection, which made your Dad and I nervous for you to fly - especially as this was our first family vacation. We have traveled with you before. We have traveled together before as well. However, this was our first time traveling just the three of us, with no family or friends waiting for us on the other end.

You liked watching the ducks at our resort.

Eating a cookie & relaxing after a swim.

Per usual for your personality, flying with you was a dream. We woke up early to head to Des Moines for our flight - and you had slept all night. You were fascinated by Dad unloading the bags, you watched intently as we checked in, and you smiled your contagious grin as we went through security. I gave you a little bit of Motrin for you ears, per the pediatrician's recommendation, before the flight. You nursed contently, laughed at the other passengers and then conked out for a great nap. Repeat this same pattern for our 2nd flight from Phoenix to Palm Springs - you watched, nursed, observed some more, and dosed for a nap until we reached our hotel.

We have arrived at the Palm Springs Airport with Dad

Dressed for dinner on the patio

You love our hotel villa - you have free reign to crawl and explore, and your hedgehog car goes REALLY fast on the tile floor - which tickles you greatly. Once we arrived and settled in - we explored the resort and you napped in the stroller, and hung out with us as we ate dinner. Ironically, the song that Uncle John sang for our wedding - Come To Me - played as we were eating dinner, and we took that as a great sign to begin our first family vacation. That evening you and I got in the jacuzzi bathtub. You weren't entirely sure of the bubble jets at first, but after looking to me for reassurance you thought they were fun. Harlan, even with flying all day long - with interruptions to various naps - an ear infection and a new place - you went to bed and slept all night long. Your Dad and I were tired too. You went to bed at 6:00 California time (8:00 Iowa Time - your bedtime) and your Dad and I were asleep on the couch by 6:30. We were excited for time to rest.


On Thursday we visited the San Jacinto State Park and took the 8000 foot tram ride to the top. The view was absolutely breathtaking - it was almost 100 degrees in the desert, and at the top of the mountain it was a cool 72. You slept soundly in the Boba Wrap as your Dad and I enjoyed the view, walked the trail and ate some food. When you were awake, of course, you smiled for everyone that said "hello."

Mom & Harlan at the pool in Palm Springs

Swimming with you at the pool was a treat because you loved the warm water, and watching all of the people. Your Dad joked that everyone would know we were first time parents because I had long sleeves on you and a hat in the water. It's true - I was nervous about the intense desert sun on your soft and fair skin. When we went swimming Friday afternoon, you fell asleep in my arms, in the water. We got out of the water, laid you down in the shade for a snooze and ate lunch while you napped. Whether in Ames or Palm Springs, you love the water. 











When I was pregnant with you, I couldn't picture you as a teacher, or a doctor, or a nurse, or even an IT
professional like your Dad. I could picture you as an explorer, or a scientist, or someone working for the efforts of others.   You are the most content when you are moving - in the car, in the water, on the plane. You are happy to meet other people and study your surroundings - I imagine that these traits will follow you through life. I could be wrong - after all this is my first time as a Mom - so no pressure. However, I do know that traveling with you is a treat and still the most fun we have ever had. I would imagine that as you grow - it will continue to be so.

Looking cool in California

Where: Palm Springs, California
When: October 2015
Who:
 A Gift for our wedding - A Westin Villa in Rancho Mirage, CA
What: A vacation with Dan, Brooke and Harlan
Activities: Swimming, Crawling, Walking along the mountains, watching the ducks, the Tram, Jacuzzi Bubble Baths and eating outside.
Highlights: A visit to a National Park, swimming by the pool, chicken fingers, a desert heat wave, Uber and our first family vacation. 

Caterpillar Clubhouse, Grandma's House and Your Favorite College Students

Since before you were born I have been preparing for childcare for you. I prepared because I wanted to be comfortable with the people who were caring for you, and I also wanted you to have an opportunity to stay with new people - get used to Dad and I not always being with you.

Lyndi helped me while I was pregnant. She took Buckley for walks, helped me with laundry, and - when I was 9 months pregnant - helped me organized my store room. The Store Room is a big deal because - even though it is in the basement - and nobody else sees it but your Dad and me - it is the foundation for the way the rest of the house is organized. I like when it is organized, neat and labeled. It has become increasingly full. I already had TOO much stuff in there - holiday decorations, dishes, and books, books, books. Too many books. Then your Dad moved in, and then we started preparing for you. Just this last weekend, I put away all of your 0-6 month clothes and pulled out your 12 to 18 month items. Anyway, I digress - Lyndi helped me get organized. She washed the sheets while I was in the hospital, went to the store etc. She watched you for a few days before I went back to work, but I never could bring myself to leave you with her for more than an hour or two.

Megan and Harlan. This John Deere Book
was a gift from Megan and her Grandma.
You were even featured in her Grandma's Book Store
Advertisement in Decorah. 

Megan was your summer time NANNY. She is an Iowa State Student, and grew up on a Dairy Farm in Decorah, Iowa. You loved her! Every morning when you would see her - you would smile SO big. She is still going to help us throughout the year, but she had to go and finish her senior year.

On my first day back to work, I left you with Mom. Your Grandma. I gently put you down in your bassinet - all cozy and asleep - and I cried. Not long or hard, but I was mourning getting all of these moments with you. However, not many Mamas are blessed enough to leave their baby with a Grandma and Auntie like your Grandma and Aunt Jodie. Your days with them are filled with laughing, cuddles, lots of good food and you rest really, really well. This transition allowed you to get used to me leaving and coming back, and it allowed me to stop and see you throughout the day. It is a true gift to everyone: Grandma, Aunt Jodie, you and - especially - me. Every morning when I tell you we are going to see Grandma and Aunt Jodie - you smile SO big and get super excited. I like to think you know exactly what I'm saying.

Jodie sends me photos all day of your adventures
with Grandma and Jodie -
photos like this make me laugh. 

As you approach 8 months old - I know that it is important for you to have other experiences outside of our house and Grandma's . On August 25th you started daycare at Caterpillar Clubhouse. You were immediately infatuated with the other babies and a bin of balls to play with. You were happy when I picked you up, and seemed to still love it the next day. I was not quite as put together as you, and the experience made me wonder if you will inherit my nerves. Your Dad is a nervous person, and I am nervous in the sense that I like a plan of action. I think we both get stomach aches when we are nervous - and when it comes to you - my stomach aches seem to me full throttle. On Monday I was almost sick thinking about your first day at daycare. Were you going to cry  when I left? Would you have enough food? Would you be cold? Would you get sick from the other kids? The teacher in me knows that a lot of this is going to happen. The teacher in me wants you to have experiences with other adults and children and learn to adapt. The Mom in me wants to be there to nurse you to sleep everyday at 10:00 a.m. for a long, cozy nap and see that sleepy smile when  you wake up. The Mom in me is so relieved that you are happy when I pick you up, but is sad that you sleep for most of the evening because you are so tired from the day. I want some time with you - not just bath and get ready for bed time - but time to read, cuddle, sing, dance, cook, watch the flowers etc. In all of this, this is what I mourn about motherhood  and working. I always envisioned showing you the world and having you attached to my hip as we went through each day. Now, I'm at an office, pumping, emailing, talking - biding the time away - until I can pick you up.

You started Caterpillar Clubhouse
in Gilbert - just about 5 minutes from
home. August 2015

Eventually you will be in daycare full-time - especially when you start crawling and walking. Grandma and Aunt Jodie are soaking up the days that you are still a cuddly baby because they won't get to see you as often then. Your friends, Abram and Annie are at daycare  with you, and it is really special because Dad gets to pick you up. The two of you get a little father-son time that is rare. Jessie and Jillian are your teachers - and they are kind. You only have 3 other babies in the room with you, and I know that you get lots of attention, enjoy the sunshine and watch the other kids. We chose this spot because they take walks, go to the library and are more active than other care centers we visited.  In the first few days, you had already mastered rolling from your tummy to sitting up - and I assume that is because of all the floor time you get at "school."

I was so nervous about your first day, but Jesse, your lead teacher,
sent me this picture in the middle of  the day to ease my mind. 

We are blessed, Harlan, to have so many options of people that love on you and care for you. I feel lucky to still get to be apart of your day to day routine since work is fairly flexible. We are fortunate that we can afford a lovely care center, and that Grandma and Aunt Jodie look after you, feed you, bathe you, diaper you - all for the cost of your hug. You truly have a village of people helping to raise you - and that is better for you. Most of all we are blessed that you are such a happy and smiling baby who goes with the flow and learns all that you can from each person and experience.

Note: Often people tell us that they can't believe how much you smile. On the first day of daycare, one of your teachers, Emma, said that to us right away when we picked you up. She said, "He is just the happiest baby." That affirmed for us that you are happy in all types of environments and that we had put you in the right spot. However, what I appreciate most about you is that  - yes - you do smile a lot - but you are serious too. We know that if you are smiling - all must be right with the world. You don't smile for just anyone - you study them first, and want to determine if you can trust them - THEN you give them the best gift of all. You are so wise Mr. H.

October 26, 2015 - The last three weeks you have been going to daycare full time - 5 days a week. Since you are crawling more and sleeping less - we felt this was the best option for you. Grandma really misses you, so Dad and I try to make sure you have time with her on the weekends or evenings. She makes all sorts of yummy food for you like baked apples or mashed potatoes. Jodie relishes in her time with you and will often pick you up early from daycare (I call it "school") - and take you on a long walk. You are the oldest in The Baby Room and at the end of November you will transition to the Toddler Room. I was nervous about this because you are going to one nap a day and interacting with more rambunctious children. However, I think you might need that challenge. To be honest - I wish there was more of a balance of time at home and at school - and Dad and I are working on figuring that out. You cry in the morning when I drop you off - not always - but on the days that you would prefer to cuddle. I try to kiss you quickly and wave - putting on a brave face, but it is so difficult. The first of many tough good-byes to you - I can't imagine they will ever get easier. The only solace is that big smile when I return to you.

You are six months old:
watching your hands
pout pout fish
the breeze
your green tree
sleeping
foods - avocado, asparagus,
bananas and oatmeal
water
swim lessons

The Last First Time

The Last First Time

The last first time. Since you were born - if not before - I have been going through a period of mourning. This isn't a bad thing. Grief in its truest form sheds layers from your heart and soul - often times leaving you more empathetic and human than you were prior. For example, since I found out I was pregnant with you I have been purging "stuff." Stuff that I had been holding onto because it
reminded me of another time in my life - another love, another moment. When I chose to hold onto these items - a wedding planning book, a box of purses, photos, a dress, a scarf - I must of thought I would return to that moment with those items. But with you - you allowed me to shed those layers. Nothing feels as good as hauling out years of "holding on" in preparation for something new.

I loved being pregnant with you. 

I digress. Mourning. Grief. It started when I neared the end of my pregnancy with you. I LOVED being pregnant with you, and I was going to miss it. I loved my belly. Loved feeling you move like a wave across it. Watching you in the tub, feeling you at night, learning your pattern. So I worked very hard to cherish each day that I got to have you so close - where I knew you were warm, protected and cozy. I knew that, while I was pregnant with you, you could not feel hunger, pain, fear - and that the simple act of eating eggs each day or of talking with your Dad helped your development. I think that is why when you were born, and had to be in the NICU right away - I grieved your pain even more. I had spent so much time in thought about how protected you were inside my belly, that I felt cruel allowing strangers to poke you, touch you with cold hands or take you away from me. This is too, why I questioned our decision to circumcise you - it didn't make sense to cause undo harm when for so long I - we - had protected you. It was my first lesson in parenting - that I don't have the control - and that you will get hurt. It is my job to reassure you, love on you, and continue preparing for your future - and do what is hard for your best interest. Funny - once you were born - not until I'm writing this very post - have I even thought about missing being pregnant. It's true - I had a baby so I didn't miss being pregnant anymore. I knew the last week I was pregnant that I was ready to meet you - you were healthy enough to be born and it was okay to NOT BE PREGNANT anymore - so that helped too.

You were born at 7:05 p.m. on a Saturday -
 without making a sound - only watching your world. 

You are my last first baby.  I will never have those 12 weeks back that  I spent with you all to myself. Well, I did share them with your Dad, Grandma and Aunt Jodie - among other visitors and trips we took. But I relished in our lazy days together when we would sleep from 7 a.m. to 9:00 or 9:30. When I would rock you, sleep with you on my chest or simply take a video of you looking at your world. I loved the cozy first nights at home with you with the snow outside coating the streets, the fire place on, and Grandma, Dad and I taking turns cuddling with you. The house was quiet in those first few weeks - aside from your occasional cries in hunger. The next time we have a baby - if that is what happens for our life - you will be here for the adventure - most likely toddling around, making noise and participating in the event.

There are parts of our home that will forever mark your first week home: the little bottle of dish soap and a towel on the hallway dresser where I would wash out your bottle and my pump parts, the floral cup that your Dad heated your bottle in, the moses basket that rocked by the fire place, and the smell of your bassinet next to our bed. Cutting off your bracelet, waiting for your belly button to fall off, and relishing in your soft new hair. My Mom rocking you in the early morning sunlight - the three of us taking shifts of rocking, warming food, watching movies and just soaking in all of you - as it snowed outside.
Today I have put the bassinet away, the moses basket now holds your stuffed animals, and the burp cloths that I was so particular about - sit neatly and unused in a drawer.

Forever I dreamed of this moment - and forever I will remember -
how you feel, how you smell - and the calm that was this moment.
12-27-14

My hands will always remember how your head felt when you were born - the shape, the wet hair. I remember the smell and how I was almost sad when they bathed you.  In a matter of moments after you were born, you started to grow away from me. 

Mother's Day 2014
We knew you were on your way for 2 weeks.

My last first Mother's Day. For years, I have been diligent about sending the women in my life a Mother's Day Card. Carlette, Carol Pashman, Aunts, Cousins, Grandmothers and Mom - of course. this year, between work and you - I did well to get Mother's Day cards for Aunt Jodie, Grandma and GG Bonnie. Even for Grandma Kit - I was late. AND I didn't send one to Aunt Kate - who - ever since Lucy was born - always sends me an Aunt or Godmother card - which always brings me to tears. I did manage to have cookies delivered to her… next year I will be better about the cards. Anyway, this year the Mother's Day wishes were for me, from the women in my life that I love: Robin, Aunt Jodie, Kate, Shanti, and even Heather P. Your Dad arranged to have flowers delivered from you and it was sweet. We had spent Saturday doing our Mother's Day celebration with GG Bonnie - which meant more than anything. On Sunday your Dad grilled steaks and we celebrated. One year ago, we had just discovered we were pregnant with you - and secretly enjoyed brunch at the Embassy with friends and family - all the while knowing that our world was going to change within the year. I love to think that in a few years I will have hand made art from you and your words - if you are like me - will be the best gifts ever. Words of appreciation, affection - and I'm sure constructive criticism - are the love language spoken best to me. And flowers - always flowers.

So Motherhood - along with pregnancy - is a lot of last firsts. My last first Mother's Day. My last first Maternity Leave. My last first pregnancy. My last first baby. Baby Harlan.

He's Going to Start Fittin' - The Evoluation of Harlan's Cry

June 2015

Start Note: I don't have pictures of you crying. When you are crying - you are upset - and contrary to popular belief, I don't think it is cute or funny when a baby is crying. There are moments that my family has captured me crying over the years: my college graduation and my 17th birthday in particular. They are moments that are forever embedded in my memory because I know why my heart hurt in those moments. I'm thankful for those photos because they are a reminder - of the moment and my own growth. 

My Grandma Orrell always told me that she and Grandpa disagreed about a baby's cry. Grandpa would say to her "isn't her cry so sweet?" and Grandma would reply, "nooo it isn't."   I have to say I agree with her - it hurts our heart to know that you are upset. So I want to document the why, how and what of your crying evolution - but not in photos.While I look forward to your moments meeting Santa, or taking swim lessons - I know that it will be hard and scary. Those moments are for us to work through, to reassure you - we promise not to laugh or tell you to "stop."

The Evolution of Harlan's Cry

When you are startled you have started a horrific cry. It is unlike your hungry, tired or mad cry - it is an immediate silence and pucker, followed by the most gigantic wail. It breaks my heart. Loud noises scare you, such as the ice machine or an elevator bell. We have learned to smile at you and tell you ahead of time what is coming. Crowds of people bother you too, and blonde women. That is the worst - because there are people that just want to admire and love on you - and then you howl in protest. We are working on this by taking you to the mall, the pool and on the airplane more frequently so that you are aware that the world is not always quiet, and it is filled with a variety of people that make all sorts of sounds, movements and facial expressions. You are adapting quite well, and as long as we are holding you (or Aunt Jodie or Grandma), you are content to simply look around and study the noise around you. Your Dad and I were discussing the evolution of your cry recently...

In the Early Cries

Typical newborn Harlan eating pose.

On your very first day in the world, you didn't cry at all. Your Grandma Kit and Grandma Orrell kept wanting to hear you cry - and by their instinct they knew you should have been crying more. You did cry - just a bit when they tested your blood sugar or tried your IV. That is how they knew you were sick - you were too weak to even cry much at all of the pokes. You do have a high pain tolerance, and the pacifier immediately soothed your notice of the poke sting, but you didn't cry. Once you were healthy you cried. Loudly. Your Grandmas were so happy that you were finally crying - they said that it proved your lungs were working well, and in it ensured that you were communicating your needs with us.  You still didn't cry very much - but in your first few weeks home, when we changed your diaper - oh my goodness - did you cry. Your face would turn bright red and you would cry so loud and hard that you almost stopped breathing. It made me so nervous that I would immediately swoop you up with no diaper until you calmed down enough to finish the process. Today - at 5 1/2 months - you happily lift your legs and play with your feet while I change your diaper. Although there are moments, in the wee hours of the morning, that you greatly protest a diaper change until you have had a snack - and so that is our routine. Eat, then diaper and then sleep.

The Dreaded Diaper Change
A note regarding diapers: I was so excited to use cloth diapers with you. The aid to the environment, sensitivity to your skin and softness made sense to me. Your Dad and I invested in a diaper service that would come once a week to deliver new diapers and clean the dirty - so no additional laundry for us! Well sir, after a week in the NICU and the struggles I was having with nursing - cloth diapers took a back burner. By the time I got around to trying cloth diapers, you were wetting each diaper so much that it didn't make sense to me to keep using them. Further, your Dad and I change your diaper a lot. We like you to be dry so that you know the difference between a dry bum and a wet one for potty training one day. Your Dad has been a champ about always making sure you have plenty of diapers stocked and in the drawer. Further, we keep you dry and clean, and - knock on wood - you have yet to have a diaper rash.  I have tried some organic brand diapers, and Grandma has tried the economical brands too. The organic diapers always leak! So Dad said - no more. Our favorites are Pampers Swaddlers Sensitive. My frustration as you get older is the diapers have Seasame Street characters on them, and I feel that is pushing an agenda on you. Why the diapers can't be plain white I don't know, but it drives me crazy.  You didn't last in the newborn diapers beyond 2 weeks - you were simply too big. So you had been in Size 1 diapers until you were about 4 months old, and then we switched to size 2. So far they seem to be working, but I have a sneaking suspicion that before the summer is over - you will be wearing a size 3. Just more room.

Diaper Grief
Sometimes I cry about diapers. Not the smell of them, or changing you - but other babies. Your diaper is cold and wet when I change you around 7:00 a.m. You go to the bathroom a lot between 3:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. so it is always your fullest diaper. I think about the parents that can't afford diapers, and struggle to have their baby wear only one or two diapers a day to make them last, and I am instantly moved to tears. How thankful we are that 1. we are able to provide plenty of diapers for you, 2. that we know and understand the importance of making sure you are dry so that you can focus on learning about your world. In my other life, I know the babies that sat in that cold and wet diapers for hours at a time - either because of an absent care taker or simply the inability to pay for more - I taught those babies when they were 4, 5, and 6 years old. So when I cry about diapers, perhaps, I am in a stage of mourning - yet again - for what they didn't feel (comfortable), for what they were upset about (cold, wet, burning, unable to focus), and for the little time that I had with them. Further, I rejoice - and pray - that you already have so many gifts. And I hope, Harlan, that you use them to their fullest and most colorful resources.

Crying for a Reason
Okay - onto more discussion about crying. The first night home with you - there were no more IV fluids and you were starving. You went through my entire amount of pumped milk in 24 hours and I had to break down and have your Dad give you formula. It was heart breaking. I knew you were hungry when you would cry after a small bottle, and I felt like such a failure not being able to feed you more from my own body. Then we transitioned from pumped milk to nursing with a shield. THIS is a whole other blog post, but the fact of the matter is - you would nurse for a long time - almost 45 minutes to an hour - and still be hungry. We always knew when you were about ready to cry because... you would violently shake your left arm up and down and then let out the biggest wail! We appreciated that the arm was our cue you were upset. You could be satisfied with the pacifier ONLY if you weren't hungry, but otherwise it was more milk or else.

In addition, you went through a typical newborn stage around 2 months when you had the evening crankies. You would start crying unless I was holding you - around 4:30 or 5:00. Unfortunately that was the same time that your Dad got home. I would look forward to your Dad coming home all day long, so that I could shower, or eat or even just run an errand - but you wouldn't have it. It was a lethal combination of your hunger, my lowest milk production of the day, and your Dad's desire to cuddle you. For a few weeks, even though he tried not to feel that way, your Dad was sure you didn't like him. I felt helpless to both you and him as I held you and nursed you from around 5:00 until 9:00 or 10:00. While I appreciate all the time that your Dad and I had to watch Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, or The Jinx - it was my most uncomfortable time too. I was tired of sitting, tired of not being able to bathe or feed you sufficiently, and just...tired. So often I would cry too.

Sometimes these pangs of hunger that we discussed would hit you in the car between Boone and Ames. For awhile I thought that you might always cry on Highway 30. When you would cry, it was incessant and panicked. And I wanted to do everything and anything to make you stop. Your Dad would try to comfort me and say, "he's fine - babies cry." But I knew better. At 2 months and 3 months old you should not be crying. I would make your Dad stop the car, or unbuckle my seat belt to crawl in the back with you (much to your father's disapproval). Sometimes you just needed a pacifier, or needed me to cool you off (you get hot in your car seat). I really subscribed to the fact, and I still do, that you shouldn't be crying. I think that children - when left to cry too long - develop a distrust of their environment and they don't actually learn to self soothe - they just learn that the parent will not be there to soothe them. My attitude may change, but at the time I knew you should not be crying if all of your needs were met.

Today: in just a few short weeks you are crying less and less at new people. Although you still want to make sure we are around if someone new takes you, and you prefer some space before meeting someone new. However, you went to a wedding and didn't get upset at the music, and you even slept through the sound of loud, clapping thunder with the Iowa thunder storms this week. Last night at the library though - we were working with a group of children and a colorful parachute. I discovered you DO NOT like the parachute. You let me know with your pucker and a cry. In addition, we had a play date with our friend Noah Tigges last week - he is 11 months old and you both had a lot of fun together. However, when you first met him, you were not tolerating his babble greetings. Every time he would try to "talk" to you - you would get upset. I think it was just too loud and sudden for you. Although this week you have started SCREAMING from your highchair. Not crying, simply talking in an extra loud/scream like talk. I think you may have learned something ...

Crying Communication Experts

Cozy on Grandma's Shoulder

Today the roles have reversed. Today I know that you are full and satisfied after a nursing session of 10 or 15 minutes. You let me know by producing a large burp, smiling contently and sometimes drifting off to sleep. Before we get in the car, I always make sure you are fed, have a clean diaper and that your silky or pacifier are close at hand. Now when you cry in the car, your Dad goes into panic mode (because that is what I modeled for him in the early months), and I simply shrug my shoulders and say, "he will fall asleep soon." Your Dad was laughing about this role reversal the other day, and asking why I don't get upset when you cry in the backseat anymore. Well, because a few things have changed: 1. I know you aren't hungry. 2. I know I just changed your diaper, and 3. I know what you need. Most of the time you fuss a bit because you want to fall asleep - and within a minute or two we look back and you are asleep. Sometimes, although not often, you are bored or lonely. We remedy that with a set of outer space car seat toys that you like to shake and hit, or I climb in the back so that you can hold my hand (you like to see me there). And on occasion, your cry is neither a sleepy or bored cry - it is an uncomfortable whine - at which time I know you have pooped! So we stop immediately to change that diaper. I don't get upset because I know all of your needs are met - and that sometimes we all need to cry - just a little.

Your bed at Grandma's - you always sleep so well there.

It happened right around the time I went back to work and you started latching with no shield - we simply learned how to talk to each other. Somewhere along the line you stopped flailing your left arm, you started to nap around 5:30 or 6:00 and give your Dad the BIGGEST smile when you saw him come home from work, and you learned to love your diaper change and how to get a full belly of food.  Sometimes you need your space - and want to cuddle with silky in the car or stretch out in your bed. Other times you want to have a conversation with us. While I might miss those cuddly mornings with you as a newborn, we are so happy that we continue to discover ways to meet your needs.

but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, NO, crying's not for me...
Harlan, you are such a happy baby that you hate to even be upset, you resist crying, whimpering or fussing unless absolutely necessary. As I watch you in the car - in the mirror - it's like riding in the car each day with the best little buddy.

I may talk about this in another post, but the only time you truly cry tears anymore is in your sleep. You often talk or cry in your sleep and it takes you awhile to stop once we pick you up. Once your eyes are finally open, you smile. Dan is convinced that you have inherited my elaborate dreaming habit - and it makes me wonder what on earth a 5.5 month old baby boy could be dreaming about so vehemently.

You and Dad

End Note: Your Dad uses a phrase that I had never heard before you. He always says, "he's going to start fittin." I love the phrase because it is so appropriate for baby. It also drives me crazy because I feel that sometimes he is projecting that you will be unhappy. In actuality that isn't true at all - he just knows you well and wants to be prepared to calm you down. He can usually do this with a whistle, a song or bringing you to me for food. I know that your Dad will start fittin' when I leave a spoon in the sink with peanut butter on it, or let a bowl of cereal milk set. While your Dad's "fits" are much more vocal - a.k.a. he actually addresses them with me, mine are much more silent - I tend to stew in silence until I know exactly what I want to say. That is with one current exception - your Dad's favorite show "Always Sunny in Philadelphia." The show is just so loud and I. Can't. Stand. It. It seems there are always people "fittin" - but it makes your Dad laugh - hard. He has learned to watch the program when I'm not in the room, and I am still trying to remember to clean off my spoon or empty my bowl of milk. The point is - your Dad and I continue to learn each other, just as we learn you - and all along the way it is done with a laugh, a hug, and so much love for our family.