June 2015
Start Note: I don't have pictures of you crying. When you are crying - you are upset - and contrary to popular belief, I don't think it is cute or funny when a baby is crying. There are moments that my family has captured me crying over the years: my college graduation and my 17th birthday in particular. They are moments that are forever embedded in my memory because I know why my heart hurt in those moments. I'm thankful for those photos because they are a reminder - of the moment and my own growth.
My Grandma Orrell always told me that she and Grandpa disagreed about a baby's cry. Grandpa would say to her "isn't her cry so sweet?" and Grandma would reply, "nooo it isn't." I have to say I agree with her - it hurts our heart to know that you are upset. So I want to document the why, how and what of your crying evolution - but not in photos.While I look forward to your moments meeting Santa, or taking swim lessons - I know that it will be hard and scary. Those moments are for us to work through, to reassure you - we promise not to laugh or tell you to "stop."
The Evolution of Harlan's Cry
When you are startled you have started a horrific cry. It is unlike your hungry, tired or mad cry - it is an immediate silence and pucker, followed by the most gigantic wail. It breaks my heart. Loud noises scare you, such as the ice machine or an elevator bell. We have learned to smile at you and tell you ahead of time what is coming. Crowds of people bother you too, and blonde women. That is the worst - because there are people that just want to admire and love on you - and then you howl in protest. We are working on this by taking you to the mall, the pool and on the airplane more frequently so that you are aware that the world is not always quiet, and it is filled with a variety of people that make all sorts of sounds, movements and facial expressions. You are adapting quite well, and as long as we are holding you (or Aunt Jodie or Grandma), you are content to simply look around and study the noise around you. Your Dad and I were discussing the evolution of your cry recently...
In the Early Cries
On your very first day in the world, you didn't cry at all. Your Grandma Kit and Grandma Orrell kept wanting to hear you cry - and by their instinct they knew you should have been crying more. You did cry - just a bit when they tested your blood sugar or tried your IV. That is how they knew you were sick - you were too weak to even cry much at all of the pokes. You do have a high pain tolerance, and the pacifier immediately soothed your notice of the poke sting, but you didn't cry. Once you were healthy you cried. Loudly. Your Grandmas were so happy that you were finally crying - they said that it proved your lungs were working well, and in it ensured that you were communicating your needs with us. You still didn't cry very much - but in your first few weeks home, when we changed your diaper - oh my goodness - did you cry. Your face would turn bright red and you would cry so loud and hard that you almost stopped breathing. It made me so nervous that I would immediately swoop you up with no diaper until you calmed down enough to finish the process. Today - at 5 1/2 months - you happily lift your legs and play with your feet while I change your diaper. Although there are moments, in the wee hours of the morning, that you greatly protest a diaper change until you have had a snack - and so that is our routine. Eat, then diaper and then sleep.
The Dreaded Diaper Change
A note regarding diapers: I was so excited to use cloth diapers with you. The aid to the environment, sensitivity to your skin and softness made sense to me. Your Dad and I invested in a diaper service that would come once a week to deliver new diapers and clean the dirty - so no additional laundry for us! Well sir, after a week in the NICU and the struggles I was having with nursing - cloth diapers took a back burner. By the time I got around to trying cloth diapers, you were wetting each diaper so much that it didn't make sense to me to keep using them. Further, your Dad and I change your diaper a lot. We like you to be dry so that you know the difference between a dry bum and a wet one for potty training one day. Your Dad has been a champ about always making sure you have plenty of diapers stocked and in the drawer. Further, we keep you dry and clean, and - knock on wood - you have yet to have a diaper rash. I have tried some organic brand diapers, and Grandma has tried the economical brands too. The organic diapers always leak! So Dad said - no more. Our favorites are Pampers Swaddlers Sensitive. My frustration as you get older is the diapers have Seasame Street characters on them, and I feel that is pushing an agenda on you. Why the diapers can't be plain white I don't know, but it drives me crazy. You didn't last in the newborn diapers beyond 2 weeks - you were simply too big. So you had been in Size 1 diapers until you were about 4 months old, and then we switched to size 2. So far they seem to be working, but I have a sneaking suspicion that before the summer is over - you will be wearing a size 3. Just more room.
Diaper Grief
Sometimes I cry about diapers. Not the smell of them, or changing you - but other babies. Your diaper is cold and wet when I change you around 7:00 a.m. You go to the bathroom a lot between 3:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. so it is always your fullest diaper. I think about the parents that can't afford diapers, and struggle to have their baby wear only one or two diapers a day to make them last, and I am instantly moved to tears. How thankful we are that 1. we are able to provide plenty of diapers for you, 2. that we know and understand the importance of making sure you are dry so that you can focus on learning about your world. In my other life, I know the babies that sat in that cold and wet diapers for hours at a time - either because of an absent care taker or simply the inability to pay for more - I taught those babies when they were 4, 5, and 6 years old. So when I cry about diapers, perhaps, I am in a stage of mourning - yet again - for what they didn't feel (comfortable), for what they were upset about (cold, wet, burning, unable to focus), and for the little time that I had with them. Further, I rejoice - and pray - that you already have so many gifts. And I hope, Harlan, that you use them to their fullest and most colorful resources.
Crying for a Reason
Okay - onto more discussion about crying. The first night home with you - there were no more IV fluids and you were starving. You went through my entire amount of pumped milk in 24 hours and I had to break down and have your Dad give you formula. It was heart breaking. I knew you were hungry when you would cry after a small bottle, and I felt like such a failure not being able to feed you more from my own body. Then we transitioned from pumped milk to nursing with a shield. THIS is a whole other blog post, but the fact of the matter is - you would nurse for a long time - almost 45 minutes to an hour - and still be hungry. We always knew when you were about ready to cry because... you would violently shake your left arm up and down and then let out the biggest wail! We appreciated that the arm was our cue you were upset. You could be satisfied with the pacifier ONLY if you weren't hungry, but otherwise it was more milk or else.
In addition, you went through a typical newborn stage around 2 months when you had the evening crankies. You would start crying unless I was holding you - around 4:30 or 5:00. Unfortunately that was the same time that your Dad got home. I would look forward to your Dad coming home all day long, so that I could shower, or eat or even just run an errand - but you wouldn't have it. It was a lethal combination of your hunger, my lowest milk production of the day, and your Dad's desire to cuddle you. For a few weeks, even though he tried not to feel that way, your Dad was sure you didn't like him. I felt helpless to both you and him as I held you and nursed you from around 5:00 until 9:00 or 10:00. While I appreciate all the time that your Dad and I had to watch Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, or The Jinx - it was my most uncomfortable time too. I was tired of sitting, tired of not being able to bathe or feed you sufficiently, and just...tired. So often I would cry too.
Sometimes these pangs of hunger that we discussed would hit you in the car between Boone and Ames. For awhile I thought that you might always cry on Highway 30. When you would cry, it was incessant and panicked. And I wanted to do everything and anything to make you stop. Your Dad would try to comfort me and say, "he's fine - babies cry." But I knew better. At 2 months and 3 months old you should not be crying. I would make your Dad stop the car, or unbuckle my seat belt to crawl in the back with you (much to your father's disapproval). Sometimes you just needed a pacifier, or needed me to cool you off (you get hot in your car seat). I really subscribed to the fact, and I still do, that you shouldn't be crying. I think that children - when left to cry too long - develop a distrust of their environment and they don't actually learn to self soothe - they just learn that the parent will not be there to soothe them. My attitude may change, but at the time I knew you should not be crying if all of your needs were met.
Today: in just a few short weeks you are crying less and less at new people. Although you still want to make sure we are around if someone new takes you, and you prefer some space before meeting someone new. However, you went to a wedding and didn't get upset at the music, and you even slept through the sound of loud, clapping thunder with the Iowa thunder storms this week. Last night at the library though - we were working with a group of children and a colorful parachute. I discovered you DO NOT like the parachute. You let me know with your pucker and a cry. In addition, we had a play date with our friend Noah Tigges last week - he is 11 months old and you both had a lot of fun together. However, when you first met him, you were not tolerating his babble greetings. Every time he would try to "talk" to you - you would get upset. I think it was just too loud and sudden for you. Although this week you have started SCREAMING from your highchair. Not crying, simply talking in an extra loud/scream like talk. I think you may have learned something ...
Crying Communication Experts
Today the roles have reversed. Today I know that you are full and satisfied after a nursing session of 10 or 15 minutes. You let me know by producing a large burp, smiling contently and sometimes drifting off to sleep. Before we get in the car, I always make sure you are fed, have a clean diaper and that your silky or pacifier are close at hand. Now when you cry in the car, your Dad goes into panic mode (because that is what I modeled for him in the early months), and I simply shrug my shoulders and say, "he will fall asleep soon." Your Dad was laughing about this role reversal the other day, and asking why I don't get upset when you cry in the backseat anymore. Well, because a few things have changed: 1. I know you aren't hungry. 2. I know I just changed your diaper, and 3. I know what you need. Most of the time you fuss a bit because you want to fall asleep - and within a minute or two we look back and you are asleep. Sometimes, although not often, you are bored or lonely. We remedy that with a set of outer space car seat toys that you like to shake and hit, or I climb in the back so that you can hold my hand (you like to see me there). And on occasion, your cry is neither a sleepy or bored cry - it is an uncomfortable whine - at which time I know you have pooped! So we stop immediately to change that diaper. I don't get upset because I know all of your needs are met - and that sometimes we all need to cry - just a little.
It happened right around the time I went back to work and you started latching with no shield - we simply learned how to talk to each other. Somewhere along the line you stopped flailing your left arm, you started to nap around 5:30 or 6:00 and give your Dad the BIGGEST smile when you saw him come home from work, and you learned to love your diaper change and how to get a full belly of food. Sometimes you need your space - and want to cuddle with silky in the car or stretch out in your bed. Other times you want to have a conversation with us. While I might miss those cuddly mornings with you as a newborn, we are so happy that we continue to discover ways to meet your needs.
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, NO, crying's not for me...
Harlan, you are such a happy baby that you hate to even be upset, you resist crying, whimpering or fussing unless absolutely necessary. As I watch you in the car - in the mirror - it's like riding in the car each day with the best little buddy.
I may talk about this in another post, but the only time you truly cry tears anymore is in your sleep. You often talk or cry in your sleep and it takes you awhile to stop once we pick you up. Once your eyes are finally open, you smile. Dan is convinced that you have inherited my elaborate dreaming habit - and it makes me wonder what on earth a 5.5 month old baby boy could be dreaming about so vehemently.
End Note: Your Dad uses a phrase that I had never heard before you. He always says, "he's going to start fittin." I love the phrase because it is so appropriate for baby. It also drives me crazy because I feel that sometimes he is projecting that you will be unhappy. In actuality that isn't true at all - he just knows you well and wants to be prepared to calm you down. He can usually do this with a whistle, a song or bringing you to me for food. I know that your Dad will start fittin' when I leave a spoon in the sink with peanut butter on it, or let a bowl of cereal milk set. While your Dad's "fits" are much more vocal - a.k.a. he actually addresses them with me, mine are much more silent - I tend to stew in silence until I know exactly what I want to say. That is with one current exception - your Dad's favorite show "Always Sunny in Philadelphia." The show is just so loud and I. Can't. Stand. It. It seems there are always people "fittin" - but it makes your Dad laugh - hard. He has learned to watch the program when I'm not in the room, and I am still trying to remember to clean off my spoon or empty my bowl of milk. The point is - your Dad and I continue to learn each other, just as we learn you - and all along the way it is done with a laugh, a hug, and so much love for our family.
Start Note: I don't have pictures of you crying. When you are crying - you are upset - and contrary to popular belief, I don't think it is cute or funny when a baby is crying. There are moments that my family has captured me crying over the years: my college graduation and my 17th birthday in particular. They are moments that are forever embedded in my memory because I know why my heart hurt in those moments. I'm thankful for those photos because they are a reminder - of the moment and my own growth.
My Grandma Orrell always told me that she and Grandpa disagreed about a baby's cry. Grandpa would say to her "isn't her cry so sweet?" and Grandma would reply, "nooo it isn't." I have to say I agree with her - it hurts our heart to know that you are upset. So I want to document the why, how and what of your crying evolution - but not in photos.While I look forward to your moments meeting Santa, or taking swim lessons - I know that it will be hard and scary. Those moments are for us to work through, to reassure you - we promise not to laugh or tell you to "stop."
In the Early Cries
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| Typical newborn Harlan eating pose. |
The Dreaded Diaper Change
A note regarding diapers: I was so excited to use cloth diapers with you. The aid to the environment, sensitivity to your skin and softness made sense to me. Your Dad and I invested in a diaper service that would come once a week to deliver new diapers and clean the dirty - so no additional laundry for us! Well sir, after a week in the NICU and the struggles I was having with nursing - cloth diapers took a back burner. By the time I got around to trying cloth diapers, you were wetting each diaper so much that it didn't make sense to me to keep using them. Further, your Dad and I change your diaper a lot. We like you to be dry so that you know the difference between a dry bum and a wet one for potty training one day. Your Dad has been a champ about always making sure you have plenty of diapers stocked and in the drawer. Further, we keep you dry and clean, and - knock on wood - you have yet to have a diaper rash. I have tried some organic brand diapers, and Grandma has tried the economical brands too. The organic diapers always leak! So Dad said - no more. Our favorites are Pampers Swaddlers Sensitive. My frustration as you get older is the diapers have Seasame Street characters on them, and I feel that is pushing an agenda on you. Why the diapers can't be plain white I don't know, but it drives me crazy. You didn't last in the newborn diapers beyond 2 weeks - you were simply too big. So you had been in Size 1 diapers until you were about 4 months old, and then we switched to size 2. So far they seem to be working, but I have a sneaking suspicion that before the summer is over - you will be wearing a size 3. Just more room.
Diaper Grief
Sometimes I cry about diapers. Not the smell of them, or changing you - but other babies. Your diaper is cold and wet when I change you around 7:00 a.m. You go to the bathroom a lot between 3:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. so it is always your fullest diaper. I think about the parents that can't afford diapers, and struggle to have their baby wear only one or two diapers a day to make them last, and I am instantly moved to tears. How thankful we are that 1. we are able to provide plenty of diapers for you, 2. that we know and understand the importance of making sure you are dry so that you can focus on learning about your world. In my other life, I know the babies that sat in that cold and wet diapers for hours at a time - either because of an absent care taker or simply the inability to pay for more - I taught those babies when they were 4, 5, and 6 years old. So when I cry about diapers, perhaps, I am in a stage of mourning - yet again - for what they didn't feel (comfortable), for what they were upset about (cold, wet, burning, unable to focus), and for the little time that I had with them. Further, I rejoice - and pray - that you already have so many gifts. And I hope, Harlan, that you use them to their fullest and most colorful resources.
Crying for a Reason Okay - onto more discussion about crying. The first night home with you - there were no more IV fluids and you were starving. You went through my entire amount of pumped milk in 24 hours and I had to break down and have your Dad give you formula. It was heart breaking. I knew you were hungry when you would cry after a small bottle, and I felt like such a failure not being able to feed you more from my own body. Then we transitioned from pumped milk to nursing with a shield. THIS is a whole other blog post, but the fact of the matter is - you would nurse for a long time - almost 45 minutes to an hour - and still be hungry. We always knew when you were about ready to cry because... you would violently shake your left arm up and down and then let out the biggest wail! We appreciated that the arm was our cue you were upset. You could be satisfied with the pacifier ONLY if you weren't hungry, but otherwise it was more milk or else.
In addition, you went through a typical newborn stage around 2 months when you had the evening crankies. You would start crying unless I was holding you - around 4:30 or 5:00. Unfortunately that was the same time that your Dad got home. I would look forward to your Dad coming home all day long, so that I could shower, or eat or even just run an errand - but you wouldn't have it. It was a lethal combination of your hunger, my lowest milk production of the day, and your Dad's desire to cuddle you. For a few weeks, even though he tried not to feel that way, your Dad was sure you didn't like him. I felt helpless to both you and him as I held you and nursed you from around 5:00 until 9:00 or 10:00. While I appreciate all the time that your Dad and I had to watch Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, or The Jinx - it was my most uncomfortable time too. I was tired of sitting, tired of not being able to bathe or feed you sufficiently, and just...tired. So often I would cry too.
Sometimes these pangs of hunger that we discussed would hit you in the car between Boone and Ames. For awhile I thought that you might always cry on Highway 30. When you would cry, it was incessant and panicked. And I wanted to do everything and anything to make you stop. Your Dad would try to comfort me and say, "he's fine - babies cry." But I knew better. At 2 months and 3 months old you should not be crying. I would make your Dad stop the car, or unbuckle my seat belt to crawl in the back with you (much to your father's disapproval). Sometimes you just needed a pacifier, or needed me to cool you off (you get hot in your car seat). I really subscribed to the fact, and I still do, that you shouldn't be crying. I think that children - when left to cry too long - develop a distrust of their environment and they don't actually learn to self soothe - they just learn that the parent will not be there to soothe them. My attitude may change, but at the time I knew you should not be crying if all of your needs were met.
Today: in just a few short weeks you are crying less and less at new people. Although you still want to make sure we are around if someone new takes you, and you prefer some space before meeting someone new. However, you went to a wedding and didn't get upset at the music, and you even slept through the sound of loud, clapping thunder with the Iowa thunder storms this week. Last night at the library though - we were working with a group of children and a colorful parachute. I discovered you DO NOT like the parachute. You let me know with your pucker and a cry. In addition, we had a play date with our friend Noah Tigges last week - he is 11 months old and you both had a lot of fun together. However, when you first met him, you were not tolerating his babble greetings. Every time he would try to "talk" to you - you would get upset. I think it was just too loud and sudden for you. Although this week you have started SCREAMING from your highchair. Not crying, simply talking in an extra loud/scream like talk. I think you may have learned something ...
Crying Communication Experts
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| Cozy on Grandma's Shoulder |
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| Your bed at Grandma's - you always sleep so well there. |
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, NO, crying's not for me...
Harlan, you are such a happy baby that you hate to even be upset, you resist crying, whimpering or fussing unless absolutely necessary. As I watch you in the car - in the mirror - it's like riding in the car each day with the best little buddy.
I may talk about this in another post, but the only time you truly cry tears anymore is in your sleep. You often talk or cry in your sleep and it takes you awhile to stop once we pick you up. Once your eyes are finally open, you smile. Dan is convinced that you have inherited my elaborate dreaming habit - and it makes me wonder what on earth a 5.5 month old baby boy could be dreaming about so vehemently.
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| You and Dad |
